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Guys, gather around for a tale of magic and awesomeness (well technology actually). You see, there exists toilets that actually wash and dry and your butt after use. Think of the weeks that you have wasted trying to clean yourself up (or for the sloppy ones, days). Anyway, I had a chance to use one of these toilets and the experience is as incredible as it sounds. And so I begin my tale…

toilet

My father’s cousin, Paul, is an awesome guy. We don’t see him much and he lives kind of far away, so when I heard there was going to be a little gathering I jumped at the chance to go see him. I had eaten chili the night before and had begun to feel its wrath coming down upon me. We were all talking in the living room and soon I really started to feel it. The bathroom was way too close to where everybody was, which would make for an uncomfortable bathroom experience. Nobody was going to the bathroom, so I couldn’t ask to go upstairs–that would be weird. I sat on the couch staring at the bathroom, seeing if I could fend off the demons that were churning down there. Holding back the gas was incredibly painful, but I knew that it would clear the room, and people that I like but don’t see often would begin to think of me as that “smelly guy.” I shifted, anxiously waiting for the room to get a little less crowded. I debated getting into my car and going to a store to take care of what would surely be something of epic proportions. I sat back on the couch clutching my stomach. It had become too much–I had to go. I got up to head to the bathroom when Paul shouted in my direction and asked me to follow him into the kitchen. “No, no, GOD NO!” I thought, and slowly turned around in pain. He quickly walked into the kitchen and I followed. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you seem antsy. There’s a bathroom upstairs in my bedroom that’s all yours.” And then he winked. He winked because he knew how great I was about to feel. (Remember that Paul is rich.) I headed upstairs as fast as I could and what I saw shook my world.

toilet

At first I was confused. The toilet was not a normal toilet; it was futuristic-looking and had a roundish shape. As I approached, the seat opened up. I didn’t really think too much of it and quickly sat down to take care of business. I saw a button that said “Hot,” and I pressed it. The toilet seat began to warm, and that sent chills down my spine. “Wow, this is pretty cool,” I thought. In a side shelf lay a couple of books. Would it be rude to read them? I won’t lie, I picked up a Calvin and Hobbes book that included a series of their comic strips. I sat reading the book, enjoying the peace and quiet and privacy while my backside was nice and toasty. I had been on the toilet for a while, and I became a bit hot, so I turned the warming off and then realized that I could put it on “Cool.” It was getting time to finish but the seat was so comfortable, and the thought of wiping this mess seemed like a real chore. “Wait,” I thought, “if this seat can warm my behind, then perhaps it can…” I quickly turned around and saw an option that said “Pulsate.” I pressed the button and my butt was sprayed with warm water. I was overjoyed; I wouldn’t have to clean up this mess. The drying system kicked and while it took a while, I sat happily, continuing to read the book. When it finished, my backside was still a little wet so I grabbed some toilet paper to finish up and check out how thorough the system was. I was clean, and had I not checked with the toilet paper, washing my hands would have been unnecessary. I went from thinking I was going to have an awful bathroom experience to having the best one of my life. I later asked Paul about that amazing toilet and he said that they range from three to five thousand dollars. This upset me deeply. How could I return to the common man’s toilet after the amazing experience I had?

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